Where it All Began

It was a stain on the phone records. I saw that number and my heart sank. Its as if all of my faith in him had been ripped from me by some ugly powerful hand that left a void of air where my heart used to be. I couldn't breathe. I was seeing spots and it was fuzzy around the edges. I hear faint music from the nickjr televison show in the backround and a squeal from an over excited toddler brings me back into my own skin. Fills my lungs and the spots dissapate as I blink the darkness away. Slamming the computer shut, I go to the living room and see the destruction that my two year old left in her wake all over the living room. Standing on the cusp of the kitchen and the main room I watch her dance and sing as the television plays those really annoying children's sing-a-long songs that stay in your head all day long no matter what you try to drown it out with on the radio. She has no coordination and certainly no dance skills but her face is lit up and focused as she moves back and forth infront of the TV wiggling undignifyingly and not caring in the least. I decide tonight is not the night to think about her, especially when Rebecca looks so happy doing what shes doing....whatever it is that shes actually doing..

I take her small but strong hands into mine and we wiggle. Thats atleast what Kameron, my brother calls it. Actually he called it once 'unprecedented, undignified wiggling' if I recall correctly as I, as a teenager had once learned what my erratic and ungraceful movements were associated with. I know Jim won't be home from work until well after Rebecca goes down for bed, this gives me enough time to work out to my workout discs in the living room in my underwear where I know takes the least amount of effort, but creates the results I need just as well.

Scooping Rebecca up suddenly I throw her over my shoulder and smile at the startled squeal/giggle that sounds from behind me as she realizes she's trapped. Depositing her on the carpet of the bathroom she shoots her long arms into the air and says "Arms up". I smile as I swoop her dirty shirt off of her and leftover cheerios from her dinner drop and roll onto the floor.  Shes the sharpest shes ever been lately, mimicking everything Jim and I do nowadays. Including the quick but obviously warranted swear word she muttered after dropping her sippy cup this morning. As the lid popped off I hear "Oh shi" escape from between those rosy little lips and I stifle a laugh as her father turns bright red, and ignoring it, of course, helps her clean up her mess without and explanation as to who might have let that one slip.

I lather the washcloth as she sits in the tub and counts her bath toys. My mind wanders to the night Jim and I first had sex. I was drunk and he wasnt trying to take advantage of me, but I was always persistent. As lavender scented water abruptly interrupts my reverie, clearly thinking she's clever, Rebecca erupts into a fit of giggles and slaps the palms of her hands down throwing water up into her own face and onto my jeans. Sighing I wash her hair as she chews on the rubber duckie's bill. Dousing her with water to rinse, I release the drain plug and scoop her up and grab her favorite towel, the monkey one with the tail and the monkeys face on the hood. Wrapping up her little shivering body I set her down on the sink and we commence our nightly routine of brushing her teeth and donning her footie pajamas. I love that Jim works the afternoons as it gives Rebecca and I one on one time that I had been missing due to a 7 month long deployment to Afghanistan. She has grown so much and I mentally note her subtle feature changes as I'm rocking her in the rocking chair, the last leg in our nightly routine before I place her in her crib for the night.


Sitting on the couch I begin to think of the instances where Jim could have been texting her.

Sighing and getting up to turn the TV off, I go to the bedroom and into the bathroom to start the shower. I'll be damned if Im standing infront of Jim naked tonight. He knows exactly how to distract me and I'm 'Oh so powerless' to resist. Showering quickly, I am clothed and towel drying my hair as he comes through the door, a suprised look on his face to see that I've gone and showered without him. This is one of the things we've always done together. He calls it a 'trust building exersize' to be able to stand vulnerable infront of eachother and allowing them to see you with all your imperfections.

Well trust is not something hes got going for him tonight.

 

Start with the Soul

         When we are born, its the first time our souls meet our bodies. As the first breath enters our lungs our soul is tethered to us until the last one is documented. Our soul already knows its purpose. It already has the features that our physical body is going to possess (i.e. Hair color, eye color, body stature, mannerisms, etc. ). So, in a sense, we grow into our souls not our bodies.

             The mind is a maze we use with pathways, bridges, twists and turns. Each one is different and each one is utilized differently. The two halves work in tandem yet they each work different when tasked individually. Being such creatures that use both sides of our brains, one would think that we would use the halves as whole to improve productivity, yet we find ourselves mentally exhausted from using one side more dominantly. Our souls are tasked from the beginning to lead our bodies in the right direction. We're born with instincts that tell us how to survive. We imprint on our parents, we eat when we are hungry, our soul tells our brain that oxygen is essential for us to live. Growing up is awkward. Our bodies stretch, our hormones change, our interests and views change as well as our goals in life as we slowly mature into an adult.  

       In the very moment we are born into this world we have the knowledge of the universe at our fingertips. Yet we don't have the means to communicate that information. Coincidence? It's as if the universe trusts in the purity we inherit as newborns and allows us to know how to survive. It's no longer a matter of Darwin's theories or whether God so loved the world. When you're pure in heart and true in character the universe will respond to you. If you're less than ready to handle the weight the world hands you, it's then you change. Stress and turmoil affect the soul and it's ability to shine bright when you need guidance. This is where we name Karma and blame Murphy's law for the times the universe doesn't like our decision. When we start to place blame in the situation it's where we lose ourself. Taking accountability for the way you respond is the first step in righting your universe. Take action and make the universe take note of who you are.

          When we hold anger and resentment in our bodies, the organs start to shut down. Animals register those breakdowns first. Dogs have such a keen sense of smell and sense of positive energy, they know exactly when it happens. Anger and jealousy and all the other heavily negative emotions breed like cancers and often mutate into such diseases. Tumors of the soul are not as prominent as tumors of the brain. Not to say children born with leukemia or women who come up positive for breast cancer are the reason they harbor such malice, it is those who are angry at life from the beginning. Those who are a cancer to society and themselves contract sicknesses easier, progress faster and die sooner. Forgiving people in your past and living simply and wholesome is the only way to combat soul-related sicknesses.

Sometimes there are those people that are supposed to be in your life. You meet them, get to know them, and they benefit your life in some way that you know that you two were supposed to meet. This person you'll know for the rest of your life. Whether it be just friends on social media or a friend you ask to move down the street from. Your souls match in a way that entangles them at the edges, like the fraying on a blanket, they get tangled beyond hope of being released. They benefit you in a way that brings you solace, they bring you peace and sometimes they teach you a thing or two about life and about yourself.

Waking up in the morning requires a routine. It's hard to just roll right out of bed in an instant and get ready for the day. Sometimes what moves you isn't moving you the way it should.

When you look into the mirror and see yourself, it's often in the same fluorescent light day in and day out. You see your hair is sticking up in weird and awkward ways because you slept with it wet, you see the blemishes on your skin from that chocolate bar you ate two days ago. You're more likely to look in the mirror and see the flaws that you went to bed with. How did you expect to want to wake up when you see all the things that make you say 'I wish I had a metabolism' or 'I shouldn't have eaten that whole Hershey's when I was at movie night with the girls'. If you were to get up in the morning and  say 'Man. Look at this babe right here! She's so beautiful and smart and she has the most compassionate soul of anyone I want to meet.' You would be giving yourself one big mental hug for the morning. Skip reaching for the coffee cup and saying 'I'm a mess, I haven't even had my coffee yet'. Instead, get up, roll over and try doing ten push ups. Or 10 sit-ups, or even go get your shoes On and go for a light jog. Wake your mind up. Get your head in the game and take on the day looking in the mirror saying 'hey girl! Lets do this you sexy bitch!' And then give yourself a hug! You got up this morning, that's more than some can say about themselves.

Loving Me

Waking up knowing its another day I have to work til i drop
When at home all I know is the pain never stops
Away from it all it seems crystal clear
The reality sinking in brings back the fear.
I want to be loved,
I want to be needed,
I want you to want me,
How's that so conceited?
It's the same day in and day out,
It's embracing the pain and the sadness I'd rather do without.
I'm tired of you pointing out my imperfections
Tired of this endless fear of rejection
I am who I am that's all I know
Without me where would you go
You wouldn't have your life
I wouldn't have this strife
You could have kept on believing you were the only one who's perfect
I would have kept pushing on not just pretending on the surface.
I'm out here working day after day
No rest for the weary as I say.
It's not hard to remedy
Talking isnt your enemy
And if I had it left in me
Id show you a thing or two about loving me.

The Last Days of Summer

Laying face up on the lawn. Arms behind my head, I gaze at the clouds above. Memorizing the way the ground beneath me is cool, the way the freshly cut grass feels smashed underneath the weight of my body. The way the breeze made the slight beating of the sun bearable enough to leave you sunning in perfect contentedness. Closing my eyes I remember a song and I let it play softly and soothingly in my head. Sighing I open my eyes and play shapes with the clouds, dozens of shapes drift by me. The birds chirp merrily as they go about and do whatever it is that birds like to do. The mixture of the cool breeze and the warm sun makes my lids feel heavy and I let the drift down and close. These are all the signs that the summer is finally over. No more warm summer drives to the beach with the top down, without a care in the world. No more Emerald Isle trips in the dead of night for the hell of it. No longer can I open my bedroom window to listen to the raindrops to fall asleep to. Its now back to the cold weather, falling leaves, Halloween around the corner followed by Thanksgiving with Christmas following closely behind. The wind blows softly and the first leaf of fall detaches itself from its branch and floats softly down to the ground. I watch it sway back and forth, spinning, and spiraling slowly down to rest on the ground. With a sigh, I pick myself up, brush the dirt off of my pants and slowly make my way to the porch. I reach for the doorknob and turn to look over my shoulder one more time, just to memorize the way the sun was playing softly through the trees, the way the wind moved softly through the number of lawns and dragging the scent of the approaching dusk closely behind it. With one more sigh I turn and open the door and go inside. ::door closes:: ::music plays softly::