Tuesday, December 31, 2013

If I Die Today I'll Die Happy

Its another chapter written by the stars
Its a new day to wake up and smile at the sun
Today is going to be the best day of my life,
because if I die today, Ill die happy.

Ive lived my life to the best that I can,
Its a dog-eat-dog world and I am only one woman,
I can say that Im happy with myself the way that I am
Im finally seeing the top of this mountain,

I can finally see the silver in the clouds.
Ive got my pockets filled with change
and a song in my heart
The sun is shining so bright, no clouds in sight

And if I die today, Ill die happy,
Ive got shoes on my babys feet
I can feel the sun on my face
And I still have the heart to keep singin'

I have loved a man, I have lost my mind
He took me for a fool and wasted my time
so I showed him the door and let him walk out
If today is my day, Ill walk to heaven with this smile on my face.


Cause if I die today, Ill die happy anyway
Ive got the sun on my face and a smile in my heart
Ill keep singing my tune til time runs out
If  I die today, Ill die happy.

Love life, Live to Love

I can't go back to where I was. Panic sets in as my mid wanders to the numerous fights, arguments, shouting matches.. The hurt is still there, the pain of rejection is real. Still fresh. He wants to do counseling, thinking it'll help us but I just want to run away from it. Jessyca is my top priority now and I like having my life that simple. I remember when I thought he was the one. Sparks never flew, I just saw him as a good father. I never thought, I can't live without him, never thought I was any better with him. I fought toe to toe to keep from getting bulldozed and bullied around.
I want something else. I want something new. I want trust, I want stability, I want honesty. I want to get away from him because he makes me second guess myself, I'm unsure when he's around. I feel like I curl up inside and hide my real thoughts because its not what he wants to hear. I'm ready for the rest of my life taking care of my daughter, not worrying if ill ever get loved in return, or if ill be taken advantage of and treated like I don't matter. Because I do... I'm smart, funny and have so much to offer. I love to love, I love to take care of people, I love to help and encourage.
I need to fall in love with myself before I look for anything else.

23Dec2013

23DEC-2013 Its that day. The day we said "I do" has always been etched in my mind. I always thought thatd be the only time Id ever have to say it. Im grown, yet that day was supposed to be a little girl's dream come true. But it wasnt, and the anniversaries of it were even less than that. Howd we get to this point? Why did you ahve to push me here? Every glance, every word was always so dismissive, so defensive. You ignored my pleas to stay, ignored my desperate displays of affection, you sought out other company. Though the same sex, it was just as painful as if it were someone else youd lain with in our bed. I started looking elsewhere, when it got really rough but I never could quite go through with it. Never wanted to say I was the one giving up. It wasnt about who let go first, it should have been who loved the most. Who gave the most away to keep us together. I did everything for you, and all you see is how Im walking away. Forget the times I tried to please you, tried to make you happy, comfortable, tried to "talk things out". Its only now that youll agree to counseling, only now that youll ask for help. It hurts me. Hurts that you have to realize now that Im really serious. I fought toe to toe with you to keep from getting bulldozed and bullied around. I fought every time I wanted to lay down and give it all away and Im still fighthing. This time fighting not to give in and let you come back. I cant do that to myself, wont let it happen.
"You only need the light when its burning low, Only miss the Sun when it starts to snow, Only know you love her when you let her go,
Only know youve been high when youre feeling low, Only hate the road when youre missing home, Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go"

Because You Have To

Staring at the ceiling hoping its just for now,
Falling apart at the seams alone in the dark.
Its times like these you'd wished you could fall apart,
 But until it's over, together is all you're allowed to be.


Its hard to understand why the heart hurts when it mourns,
Like all the blood leaves when the betrayal pushes its way inside.
It throbs with ever sob, breaking and wrenching until you fall to your knees,
You can't seem to stand, to take a breath, the cold sets in.


It's not that you can't handle the pain running rampant through your veins,
It's time to push the emotions aside so you can stand.
Putting them in a dark place and putting them under lock and key,
If not, the darkness you embrace, the pain is the only thing you can see. 


Remember your hardships, learn from your mistakes,
Help those who reach for your guidance and always give it your all.
It's time to stand upright, straighten your spine and put your hands up to fight.
Get back into this race, get into your lane and run until your heart bursts.


Put your priorities in order, keep your head barely above water.
Dont worry, You'll make it because you have to.

The Power of Positive Thinking

The Power of Positive Thinking

You must ask yourself, “is the glass half-empty or half-full?” Asking this question will certainly gage your outlook on life and your attitude towards yourself, and whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.  What people don’t realize is that optimism and pessimism can affect your overall health and well-being. Positive thinking is a key element of effective stress management and is associated with many health benefits. The power that positive thinking has on the human mind and body is unmatched by any time you spend in the gym.  It has always been said that “It could always be worse” for one reason or another to encourage people to think positively about their situation. You have to be healthy mentally before you can be healthy physically.  Scientists will tell you that the glass is neither half full nor half empty, it is either filled with water or air. Philosophers like Aristotle, Gandhi, and even Helen Keller have also had valid points to say simply, ‘be positive’.
Aristotle says “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light”. This means something because, as a service member, we hear and see about an abundance of violence, but also we see light and hope. We bring hope to those that are oppressed in Afghanistan and Africa and we provide relief efforts for those in Haiti and Japan from Tsunamis and earthquakes and other natural disasters. We see the amount of hope we bring to those that need it and that’s why we do what we do. If you adopt a positive attitude you teach yourself to expect success. The people that accept positive thinking as their way of life see results just by believing in its effectiveness. Gandhi was the leader of the nonviolent civil disobedience movements in India. He had a vision of his country being free by epitomizing peacefulness and truth in all situations. He led by example and moved many by being so profoundly diplomatic. Gandhi said it right when he said “A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes”. Meaning, thinking positively will help you overcome everyday problems and will have you acting positively, making the best of every situation.  
Take Helen Keller as another example. She overcame such odds and still held onto her faith in herself.  “Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties”.  By that she means that positive thinking can overcome even the toughest of obstacles. She was deaf, blind, and mute and still learned how to read Braille, went to school to learn how to speak and later on became a famous public speaker and an advocate for the disabled. She was elected to be in the Women’s Hall of fame and was awarded doctoral degrees in some of the top Universities in the US and Europe. She became an excellent example of how determination, imagination and a positive outlook on life can allow and anyone, especially those faced with obstacles seemingly too great to overcome, to triumph and succeed.
Over the last 5 months this deployment has certainly touched on every single key point made so far. To get up in the morning after having an especially late night Skyping to loved ones in different time zones, is no easy task. But you get to look out your window and gauge just how much time you have and what kind of day it is going to be because the moon is still hanging outside your room. Full and contented the moon shines at you as if saying “The day isn’t going to be that bad, I’ll be back in a few hours then it will be time to sleep again.” And with a sigh, you get up, put your pants on one leg at a time and take a deep breath. Today is going to be a great day, you tell yourself. And because you said it, it will be. The power of believing everything will be ok, even when you’re not one hundred percent sure is half the battle right there. Often, just saying that will help immensely. That’s the power of positive thinking. You’re not sure what kind of day it’s going to be, but you have your coffee, breakfast and a deep breath in your lungs to say “Ok day, let’s get down to it.”


Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Rip-Roaring 20s! (written 2012)

This is a detailed version, but still not a full version of the dream i had earlier today. The full version was alot more graphic and i am too modest to put that on the internet lol Its a bit graphic but its good. Did i warn you that its kind of graphic?? lol


It was obviously a slow day when I walked in the door. The room was empty except for me and the bartender. As I sit down at the bar I spot a curl of smoke in the corner, I internally gasp and resist the urge to take a second glance. I open my compact and pretend to be looking at my makeup when I notice his eyes are on me. The handsome stranger lounging behind one of the bar's enormous tables has his legs stretched out in front of him, one hanging off of the arm of one of the ornate upholstered chairs. He waves a hand at the waitress and whispers to her, simultaneously slipping her a seemingly large bill with a charming smile. She blushes and hurries away to the bar and clamors into the kitchen. I turn and he lifts his drink, nodding and smirking, slowly sipping from his drink. "Ma’am, I have your drink, compliments of the gentleman in the corner". The bartender's voice snaps me out of my reverie and I clutch the cold glass and stare down into its contents. Turning, I throw my head back and let the amber liquid burn and claw down my throat, making sure that Mr. Mysterious takes notice. Ah, of course it’s whiskey. Not a personal favorite of mine but with a small smile of my own and a tilt of my head I set the glass down, order two more and walk towards this incredibly handsome, intriguing man in the corner.

            The glasses clink on the table as I set them down as gently as my shaking hands will allow. He looks amused and his eyebrows rise before his eyes hold mine. He says “Are you alright miss?” I glower at him. “I’m just fine, thank you.” I spit out before I can stop myself. But no matter, because his smile reaches his eyes he tries to hide his amusement behind his napkin as he dabs a bit of imaginary whiskey from his beard. “You just seem lost, my dear. I’ve never seen you in here before. Surely your husband didn’t leave you all alone for the wolves to get did he?” He smiles a very wolf-ish grin behind his glass as he takes another small sip of the drink I brought him.

Now it’s my turn for the eyebrow raise. Nearly spitting my drink over the table, I quickly recover. Smiling sweetly behind my napkin, I don’t attempt to hide my sarcasm “Oh, I am not afraid of any wolves, darling, I am one.” Smiling mockingly at him and batting my eyelashes I am pleasantly rewarded with a wonderful full belly chuckle and he takes a nice puff off of his cigar. “Would you like a cigar? Miss…I never caught your name.” Good one, “I never gave it to you as you never gave me yours. Besides, I’m not here to smoke I’m looking to get on the road soon. I’m headed to the Carolinas.” Recovering quickly, “I see.” The look of disappointment is almost enough to change my mind, “You’ll need a navigator then.” He smiles all the brighter. Taken aback, my eyebrows come together as I frown, “I didn’t say anything about needing a navigator, Sir. I will find my own way just fine, thank you.” He looks hurt, “Come on now love, you need me.” His hand slides over the table and he places his hand atop mine and strokes his thumb absently over my wrist. I feel like a bird suddenly caught in a too-small cage and I’m sure my heartbeat is loud enough for him to hear. I stare down impassively at his hand and then back to his face. Studying his high cheekbones and long eyelashes, his eyes are the deepest green I’ve ever seen and his mouth, full and slightly downturned he smiles when he thinks he has me trapped in his spell. I remove his hand with my other hand and unceremoniously drop it back onto his side of the table. Smiling curtly I start to let him have it when he interrupts me, “Miss, I really don’t mean to be forward, I just haven’t met such a lovely woman such as yourself to be so brash and bold. I find this quite intriguing and can’t seem to stop smiling since you walked into that door fifteen minutes ago. Pardon my rudeness; I apologize if I have offended you. My name is Donovan." Bowing his head slightly and raising his glass in a very contrite gesture. I laugh as I lift my glass and the two collide with a clink. “I must say, Sir, you are quite the opposite from what I am attracted to, yet I feel the same. I can’t seem to find it in myself to be offended. Apology accepted. My name is Megan.”

He clutches his breast pocket in an attempt to appear hurt “Oh, you wound me my dear. Why would you say such things when you know the love you have for me is real?” He says all too loudly obviously he knows now the affect he has on me or else he would have the right to look truly hurt instead of amused. Blushing, I quickly duck my head and glower at him from under my eyelashes, “Don’t fool yourself  Donovan, love is a wasted emotion for those who are foolish enough to believe in it. Don’t mistake me for one of those fools.” This time I have wounded him and he swirls his drink with a small frown. He looks lovely with a frown though, his eyes grow slightly darker and his eyebrows wrinkle together. I can tell he's deep in thought as he rearranges the napkin under his glass and wipes the condensation off of the outside with his fingertips. Strong hands delicately trace patterns in the dew drops as he is silent for a moment. The silence stretches to an almost uncomfortable level when he finally sighs. Sitting back he smiles and says “Well I was going to give you this map of mine, but I think I’ll just keep it. I’m of use to you now, seeing as you don’t have one.” Grasping my clutch from my lap I realize he’s right, it’s been opened and the map I had is no longer inside. “How did you swipe my things from my lap without me noticing?!” I stammer angrily. Suddenly I feel a tickle along my inner thigh as I realize also he has leaned forward and has a not-so-innocent-bad-boy look on his face. “Why there are many things that I do under the table that no one ever sees. Or rather gets paid not to see.”

 My mouth drops to the floor as I realize I’ve been had. He slowly slips his hand closer and closer, running his fingertips to close to where none have ever been. I blush deeply and leap from the table as if I’ve been burned. “I’m leaving. Give me my map at once!” He stands, not much taller than I am and grasps my wrists and leads me to the hallway leading to the bathrooms. Pinning my hands behind me with one hand and holding me still with his hips, he takes his other hand and brushes the lock of hair that has fallen from my face and tucks it neatly behind my ear. Leaning in simultaneously he takes my earlobe in his teeth and nibbles. I gasp when I can feel the pull to my toes and make no move to struggle. My heartbeat is beyond what it should be and his mouth connects softly to my lips. I breathe out as he breathes me in, my body melts into his and I feel at home. I deepen the kiss as I kiss back and we are lost for a few precious moments. He pulls away, to breathe, eyes blazing and face soft and reverent. He is as captivated as I am, and is helpless to hide it. My body feels alive, I feel him coming to life too as his hips are pinning me to the wall. He doesn’t break all contact at once. It’s as if he can’t bear his body to be separated. His hand slides from my wrist to my hand and I instinctively lace my fingers into his and stare at our joined appendages. A perfect fit. My hands, smaller with thinner fingers; artists hands and his, strong, calloused and well groomed, working hands coming together to fit like two pieces to a puzzle. My body feels relaxed, like something has clicked into place. Suddenly I am in no hurry to leave this bar, or this man for that matter. He pulls me magnetically it seems to sit back down at his table, this time in the seat with him. The heavy upholstered suede leather is soft under my backside. The rich copper tones make me look pale, regardless of my never dulling, deeply tanned, olive toned skin. I sit between his knees, like a small child. My hands passively lay in my lap and I am reclined back with my head beneath his chin. His cigar has been neglected in the ash tray, it’s heavy, thick smoke curling around us much like our desire. His drink is in his one hand, his other stroking my arm from my shoulder to my wrist, stopping at my elbow to dip in the little depression there. We sit in silence, I can still feel him strong and demanding at my lower back, yet we are in no hurry.

            What has happened so quickly? “He is a stranger!” my conscience screams at me. I am not listening to her it seems as I smile up at him and take his drink from his hand. I sip the whiskey and let it run through me, heating my blood and sending courage through my veins. I don’t know where this night is going to lead me, but I have an idea and I’m ready.