It was a stain on the phone records. I saw that number and my heart sank. Its as if all of my faith in him had been ripped from me by some ugly powerful hand that left a void of air where my heart used to be. I couldn't breathe. I was seeing spots and it was fuzzy around the edges. I hear faint music from the nickjr televison show in the backround and a squeal from an over excited toddler brings me back into my own skin. Fills my lungs and the spots dissapate as I blink the darkness away. Slamming the computer shut, I go to the living room and see the destruction that my two year old left in her wake all over the living room. Standing on the cusp of the kitchen and the main room I watch her dance and sing as the television plays those really annoying children's sing-a-long songs that stay in your head all day long no matter what you try to drown it out with on the radio. She has no coordination and certainly no dance skills but her face is lit up and focused as she moves back and forth infront of the TV wiggling undignifyingly and not caring in the least. I decide tonight is not the night to think about her, especially when Rebecca looks so happy doing what shes doing....whatever it is that shes actually doing..
I take her small but strong hands into mine and we wiggle. Thats atleast what Kameron, my brother calls it. Actually he called it once 'unprecedented, undignified wiggling' if I recall correctly as I, as a teenager had once learned what my erratic and ungraceful movements were associated with. I know Jim won't be home from work until well after Rebecca goes down for bed, this gives me enough time to work out to my workout discs in the living room in my underwear where I know takes the least amount of effort, but creates the results I need just as well.
Scooping Rebecca up suddenly I throw her over my shoulder and smile at the startled squeal/giggle that sounds from behind me as she realizes she's trapped. Depositing her on the carpet of the bathroom she shoots her long arms into the air and says "Arms up". I smile as I swoop her dirty shirt off of her and leftover cheerios from her dinner drop and roll onto the floor. Shes the sharpest shes ever been lately, mimicking everything Jim and I do nowadays. Including the quick but obviously warranted swear word she muttered after dropping her sippy cup this morning. As the lid popped off I hear "Oh shi" escape from between those rosy little lips and I stifle a laugh as her father turns bright red, and ignoring it, of course, helps her clean up her mess without and explanation as to who might have let that one slip.
I lather the washcloth as she sits in the tub and counts her bath toys. My mind wanders to the night Jim and I first had sex. I was drunk and he wasnt trying to take advantage of me, but I was always persistent. As lavender scented water abruptly interrupts my reverie, clearly thinking she's clever, Rebecca erupts into a fit of giggles and slaps the palms of her hands down throwing water up into her own face and onto my jeans. Sighing I wash her hair as she chews on the rubber duckie's bill. Dousing her with water to rinse, I release the drain plug and scoop her up and grab her favorite towel, the monkey one with the tail and the monkeys face on the hood. Wrapping up her little shivering body I set her down on the sink and we commence our nightly routine of brushing her teeth and donning her footie pajamas. I love that Jim works the afternoons as it gives Rebecca and I one on one time that I had been missing due to a 7 month long deployment to Afghanistan. She has grown so much and I mentally note her subtle feature changes as I'm rocking her in the rocking chair, the last leg in our nightly routine before I place her in her crib for the night.
Sitting on the couch I begin to think of the instances where Jim could have been texting her.
Sighing and getting up to turn the TV off, I go to the bedroom and into the bathroom to start the shower. I'll be damned if Im standing infront of Jim naked tonight. He knows exactly how to distract me and I'm 'Oh so powerless' to resist. Showering quickly, I am clothed and towel drying my hair as he comes through the door, a suprised look on his face to see that I've gone and showered without him. This is one of the things we've always done together. He calls it a 'trust building exersize' to be able to stand vulnerable infront of eachother and allowing them to see you with all your imperfections.
Well trust is not something hes got going for him tonight.
I take her small but strong hands into mine and we wiggle. Thats atleast what Kameron, my brother calls it. Actually he called it once 'unprecedented, undignified wiggling' if I recall correctly as I, as a teenager had once learned what my erratic and ungraceful movements were associated with. I know Jim won't be home from work until well after Rebecca goes down for bed, this gives me enough time to work out to my workout discs in the living room in my underwear where I know takes the least amount of effort, but creates the results I need just as well.
Scooping Rebecca up suddenly I throw her over my shoulder and smile at the startled squeal/giggle that sounds from behind me as she realizes she's trapped. Depositing her on the carpet of the bathroom she shoots her long arms into the air and says "Arms up". I smile as I swoop her dirty shirt off of her and leftover cheerios from her dinner drop and roll onto the floor. Shes the sharpest shes ever been lately, mimicking everything Jim and I do nowadays. Including the quick but obviously warranted swear word she muttered after dropping her sippy cup this morning. As the lid popped off I hear "Oh shi" escape from between those rosy little lips and I stifle a laugh as her father turns bright red, and ignoring it, of course, helps her clean up her mess without and explanation as to who might have let that one slip.
I lather the washcloth as she sits in the tub and counts her bath toys. My mind wanders to the night Jim and I first had sex. I was drunk and he wasnt trying to take advantage of me, but I was always persistent. As lavender scented water abruptly interrupts my reverie, clearly thinking she's clever, Rebecca erupts into a fit of giggles and slaps the palms of her hands down throwing water up into her own face and onto my jeans. Sighing I wash her hair as she chews on the rubber duckie's bill. Dousing her with water to rinse, I release the drain plug and scoop her up and grab her favorite towel, the monkey one with the tail and the monkeys face on the hood. Wrapping up her little shivering body I set her down on the sink and we commence our nightly routine of brushing her teeth and donning her footie pajamas. I love that Jim works the afternoons as it gives Rebecca and I one on one time that I had been missing due to a 7 month long deployment to Afghanistan. She has grown so much and I mentally note her subtle feature changes as I'm rocking her in the rocking chair, the last leg in our nightly routine before I place her in her crib for the night.
Sitting on the couch I begin to think of the instances where Jim could have been texting her.
Sighing and getting up to turn the TV off, I go to the bedroom and into the bathroom to start the shower. I'll be damned if Im standing infront of Jim naked tonight. He knows exactly how to distract me and I'm 'Oh so powerless' to resist. Showering quickly, I am clothed and towel drying my hair as he comes through the door, a suprised look on his face to see that I've gone and showered without him. This is one of the things we've always done together. He calls it a 'trust building exersize' to be able to stand vulnerable infront of eachother and allowing them to see you with all your imperfections.
Well trust is not something hes got going for him tonight.
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