Tuesday, December 31, 2013

If I Die Today I'll Die Happy

Its another chapter written by the stars
Its a new day to wake up and smile at the sun
Today is going to be the best day of my life,
because if I die today, Ill die happy.

Ive lived my life to the best that I can,
Its a dog-eat-dog world and I am only one woman,
I can say that Im happy with myself the way that I am
Im finally seeing the top of this mountain,

I can finally see the silver in the clouds.
Ive got my pockets filled with change
and a song in my heart
The sun is shining so bright, no clouds in sight

And if I die today, Ill die happy,
Ive got shoes on my babys feet
I can feel the sun on my face
And I still have the heart to keep singin'

I have loved a man, I have lost my mind
He took me for a fool and wasted my time
so I showed him the door and let him walk out
If today is my day, Ill walk to heaven with this smile on my face.


Cause if I die today, Ill die happy anyway
Ive got the sun on my face and a smile in my heart
Ill keep singing my tune til time runs out
If  I die today, Ill die happy.

Love life, Live to Love

I can't go back to where I was. Panic sets in as my mid wanders to the numerous fights, arguments, shouting matches.. The hurt is still there, the pain of rejection is real. Still fresh. He wants to do counseling, thinking it'll help us but I just want to run away from it. Jessyca is my top priority now and I like having my life that simple. I remember when I thought he was the one. Sparks never flew, I just saw him as a good father. I never thought, I can't live without him, never thought I was any better with him. I fought toe to toe to keep from getting bulldozed and bullied around.
I want something else. I want something new. I want trust, I want stability, I want honesty. I want to get away from him because he makes me second guess myself, I'm unsure when he's around. I feel like I curl up inside and hide my real thoughts because its not what he wants to hear. I'm ready for the rest of my life taking care of my daughter, not worrying if ill ever get loved in return, or if ill be taken advantage of and treated like I don't matter. Because I do... I'm smart, funny and have so much to offer. I love to love, I love to take care of people, I love to help and encourage.
I need to fall in love with myself before I look for anything else.

23Dec2013

23DEC-2013 Its that day. The day we said "I do" has always been etched in my mind. I always thought thatd be the only time Id ever have to say it. Im grown, yet that day was supposed to be a little girl's dream come true. But it wasnt, and the anniversaries of it were even less than that. Howd we get to this point? Why did you ahve to push me here? Every glance, every word was always so dismissive, so defensive. You ignored my pleas to stay, ignored my desperate displays of affection, you sought out other company. Though the same sex, it was just as painful as if it were someone else youd lain with in our bed. I started looking elsewhere, when it got really rough but I never could quite go through with it. Never wanted to say I was the one giving up. It wasnt about who let go first, it should have been who loved the most. Who gave the most away to keep us together. I did everything for you, and all you see is how Im walking away. Forget the times I tried to please you, tried to make you happy, comfortable, tried to "talk things out". Its only now that youll agree to counseling, only now that youll ask for help. It hurts me. Hurts that you have to realize now that Im really serious. I fought toe to toe with you to keep from getting bulldozed and bullied around. I fought every time I wanted to lay down and give it all away and Im still fighthing. This time fighting not to give in and let you come back. I cant do that to myself, wont let it happen.
"You only need the light when its burning low, Only miss the Sun when it starts to snow, Only know you love her when you let her go,
Only know youve been high when youre feeling low, Only hate the road when youre missing home, Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go"

Because You Have To

Staring at the ceiling hoping its just for now,
Falling apart at the seams alone in the dark.
Its times like these you'd wished you could fall apart,
 But until it's over, together is all you're allowed to be.


Its hard to understand why the heart hurts when it mourns,
Like all the blood leaves when the betrayal pushes its way inside.
It throbs with ever sob, breaking and wrenching until you fall to your knees,
You can't seem to stand, to take a breath, the cold sets in.


It's not that you can't handle the pain running rampant through your veins,
It's time to push the emotions aside so you can stand.
Putting them in a dark place and putting them under lock and key,
If not, the darkness you embrace, the pain is the only thing you can see. 


Remember your hardships, learn from your mistakes,
Help those who reach for your guidance and always give it your all.
It's time to stand upright, straighten your spine and put your hands up to fight.
Get back into this race, get into your lane and run until your heart bursts.


Put your priorities in order, keep your head barely above water.
Dont worry, You'll make it because you have to.

The Power of Positive Thinking

The Power of Positive Thinking

You must ask yourself, “is the glass half-empty or half-full?” Asking this question will certainly gage your outlook on life and your attitude towards yourself, and whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.  What people don’t realize is that optimism and pessimism can affect your overall health and well-being. Positive thinking is a key element of effective stress management and is associated with many health benefits. The power that positive thinking has on the human mind and body is unmatched by any time you spend in the gym.  It has always been said that “It could always be worse” for one reason or another to encourage people to think positively about their situation. You have to be healthy mentally before you can be healthy physically.  Scientists will tell you that the glass is neither half full nor half empty, it is either filled with water or air. Philosophers like Aristotle, Gandhi, and even Helen Keller have also had valid points to say simply, ‘be positive’.
Aristotle says “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light”. This means something because, as a service member, we hear and see about an abundance of violence, but also we see light and hope. We bring hope to those that are oppressed in Afghanistan and Africa and we provide relief efforts for those in Haiti and Japan from Tsunamis and earthquakes and other natural disasters. We see the amount of hope we bring to those that need it and that’s why we do what we do. If you adopt a positive attitude you teach yourself to expect success. The people that accept positive thinking as their way of life see results just by believing in its effectiveness. Gandhi was the leader of the nonviolent civil disobedience movements in India. He had a vision of his country being free by epitomizing peacefulness and truth in all situations. He led by example and moved many by being so profoundly diplomatic. Gandhi said it right when he said “A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes”. Meaning, thinking positively will help you overcome everyday problems and will have you acting positively, making the best of every situation.  
Take Helen Keller as another example. She overcame such odds and still held onto her faith in herself.  “Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties”.  By that she means that positive thinking can overcome even the toughest of obstacles. She was deaf, blind, and mute and still learned how to read Braille, went to school to learn how to speak and later on became a famous public speaker and an advocate for the disabled. She was elected to be in the Women’s Hall of fame and was awarded doctoral degrees in some of the top Universities in the US and Europe. She became an excellent example of how determination, imagination and a positive outlook on life can allow and anyone, especially those faced with obstacles seemingly too great to overcome, to triumph and succeed.
Over the last 5 months this deployment has certainly touched on every single key point made so far. To get up in the morning after having an especially late night Skyping to loved ones in different time zones, is no easy task. But you get to look out your window and gauge just how much time you have and what kind of day it is going to be because the moon is still hanging outside your room. Full and contented the moon shines at you as if saying “The day isn’t going to be that bad, I’ll be back in a few hours then it will be time to sleep again.” And with a sigh, you get up, put your pants on one leg at a time and take a deep breath. Today is going to be a great day, you tell yourself. And because you said it, it will be. The power of believing everything will be ok, even when you’re not one hundred percent sure is half the battle right there. Often, just saying that will help immensely. That’s the power of positive thinking. You’re not sure what kind of day it’s going to be, but you have your coffee, breakfast and a deep breath in your lungs to say “Ok day, let’s get down to it.”


Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Rip-Roaring 20s! (written 2012)

This is a detailed version, but still not a full version of the dream i had earlier today. The full version was alot more graphic and i am too modest to put that on the internet lol Its a bit graphic but its good. Did i warn you that its kind of graphic?? lol


It was obviously a slow day when I walked in the door. The room was empty except for me and the bartender. As I sit down at the bar I spot a curl of smoke in the corner, I internally gasp and resist the urge to take a second glance. I open my compact and pretend to be looking at my makeup when I notice his eyes are on me. The handsome stranger lounging behind one of the bar's enormous tables has his legs stretched out in front of him, one hanging off of the arm of one of the ornate upholstered chairs. He waves a hand at the waitress and whispers to her, simultaneously slipping her a seemingly large bill with a charming smile. She blushes and hurries away to the bar and clamors into the kitchen. I turn and he lifts his drink, nodding and smirking, slowly sipping from his drink. "Ma’am, I have your drink, compliments of the gentleman in the corner". The bartender's voice snaps me out of my reverie and I clutch the cold glass and stare down into its contents. Turning, I throw my head back and let the amber liquid burn and claw down my throat, making sure that Mr. Mysterious takes notice. Ah, of course it’s whiskey. Not a personal favorite of mine but with a small smile of my own and a tilt of my head I set the glass down, order two more and walk towards this incredibly handsome, intriguing man in the corner.

            The glasses clink on the table as I set them down as gently as my shaking hands will allow. He looks amused and his eyebrows rise before his eyes hold mine. He says “Are you alright miss?” I glower at him. “I’m just fine, thank you.” I spit out before I can stop myself. But no matter, because his smile reaches his eyes he tries to hide his amusement behind his napkin as he dabs a bit of imaginary whiskey from his beard. “You just seem lost, my dear. I’ve never seen you in here before. Surely your husband didn’t leave you all alone for the wolves to get did he?” He smiles a very wolf-ish grin behind his glass as he takes another small sip of the drink I brought him.

Now it’s my turn for the eyebrow raise. Nearly spitting my drink over the table, I quickly recover. Smiling sweetly behind my napkin, I don’t attempt to hide my sarcasm “Oh, I am not afraid of any wolves, darling, I am one.” Smiling mockingly at him and batting my eyelashes I am pleasantly rewarded with a wonderful full belly chuckle and he takes a nice puff off of his cigar. “Would you like a cigar? Miss…I never caught your name.” Good one, “I never gave it to you as you never gave me yours. Besides, I’m not here to smoke I’m looking to get on the road soon. I’m headed to the Carolinas.” Recovering quickly, “I see.” The look of disappointment is almost enough to change my mind, “You’ll need a navigator then.” He smiles all the brighter. Taken aback, my eyebrows come together as I frown, “I didn’t say anything about needing a navigator, Sir. I will find my own way just fine, thank you.” He looks hurt, “Come on now love, you need me.” His hand slides over the table and he places his hand atop mine and strokes his thumb absently over my wrist. I feel like a bird suddenly caught in a too-small cage and I’m sure my heartbeat is loud enough for him to hear. I stare down impassively at his hand and then back to his face. Studying his high cheekbones and long eyelashes, his eyes are the deepest green I’ve ever seen and his mouth, full and slightly downturned he smiles when he thinks he has me trapped in his spell. I remove his hand with my other hand and unceremoniously drop it back onto his side of the table. Smiling curtly I start to let him have it when he interrupts me, “Miss, I really don’t mean to be forward, I just haven’t met such a lovely woman such as yourself to be so brash and bold. I find this quite intriguing and can’t seem to stop smiling since you walked into that door fifteen minutes ago. Pardon my rudeness; I apologize if I have offended you. My name is Donovan." Bowing his head slightly and raising his glass in a very contrite gesture. I laugh as I lift my glass and the two collide with a clink. “I must say, Sir, you are quite the opposite from what I am attracted to, yet I feel the same. I can’t seem to find it in myself to be offended. Apology accepted. My name is Megan.”

He clutches his breast pocket in an attempt to appear hurt “Oh, you wound me my dear. Why would you say such things when you know the love you have for me is real?” He says all too loudly obviously he knows now the affect he has on me or else he would have the right to look truly hurt instead of amused. Blushing, I quickly duck my head and glower at him from under my eyelashes, “Don’t fool yourself  Donovan, love is a wasted emotion for those who are foolish enough to believe in it. Don’t mistake me for one of those fools.” This time I have wounded him and he swirls his drink with a small frown. He looks lovely with a frown though, his eyes grow slightly darker and his eyebrows wrinkle together. I can tell he's deep in thought as he rearranges the napkin under his glass and wipes the condensation off of the outside with his fingertips. Strong hands delicately trace patterns in the dew drops as he is silent for a moment. The silence stretches to an almost uncomfortable level when he finally sighs. Sitting back he smiles and says “Well I was going to give you this map of mine, but I think I’ll just keep it. I’m of use to you now, seeing as you don’t have one.” Grasping my clutch from my lap I realize he’s right, it’s been opened and the map I had is no longer inside. “How did you swipe my things from my lap without me noticing?!” I stammer angrily. Suddenly I feel a tickle along my inner thigh as I realize also he has leaned forward and has a not-so-innocent-bad-boy look on his face. “Why there are many things that I do under the table that no one ever sees. Or rather gets paid not to see.”

 My mouth drops to the floor as I realize I’ve been had. He slowly slips his hand closer and closer, running his fingertips to close to where none have ever been. I blush deeply and leap from the table as if I’ve been burned. “I’m leaving. Give me my map at once!” He stands, not much taller than I am and grasps my wrists and leads me to the hallway leading to the bathrooms. Pinning my hands behind me with one hand and holding me still with his hips, he takes his other hand and brushes the lock of hair that has fallen from my face and tucks it neatly behind my ear. Leaning in simultaneously he takes my earlobe in his teeth and nibbles. I gasp when I can feel the pull to my toes and make no move to struggle. My heartbeat is beyond what it should be and his mouth connects softly to my lips. I breathe out as he breathes me in, my body melts into his and I feel at home. I deepen the kiss as I kiss back and we are lost for a few precious moments. He pulls away, to breathe, eyes blazing and face soft and reverent. He is as captivated as I am, and is helpless to hide it. My body feels alive, I feel him coming to life too as his hips are pinning me to the wall. He doesn’t break all contact at once. It’s as if he can’t bear his body to be separated. His hand slides from my wrist to my hand and I instinctively lace my fingers into his and stare at our joined appendages. A perfect fit. My hands, smaller with thinner fingers; artists hands and his, strong, calloused and well groomed, working hands coming together to fit like two pieces to a puzzle. My body feels relaxed, like something has clicked into place. Suddenly I am in no hurry to leave this bar, or this man for that matter. He pulls me magnetically it seems to sit back down at his table, this time in the seat with him. The heavy upholstered suede leather is soft under my backside. The rich copper tones make me look pale, regardless of my never dulling, deeply tanned, olive toned skin. I sit between his knees, like a small child. My hands passively lay in my lap and I am reclined back with my head beneath his chin. His cigar has been neglected in the ash tray, it’s heavy, thick smoke curling around us much like our desire. His drink is in his one hand, his other stroking my arm from my shoulder to my wrist, stopping at my elbow to dip in the little depression there. We sit in silence, I can still feel him strong and demanding at my lower back, yet we are in no hurry.

            What has happened so quickly? “He is a stranger!” my conscience screams at me. I am not listening to her it seems as I smile up at him and take his drink from his hand. I sip the whiskey and let it run through me, heating my blood and sending courage through my veins. I don’t know where this night is going to lead me, but I have an idea and I’m ready.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Where it All Began

It was a stain on the phone records. I saw that number and my heart sank. Its as if all of my faith in him had been ripped from me by some ugly powerful hand that left a void of air where my heart used to be. I couldn't breathe. I was seeing spots and it was fuzzy around the edges. I hear faint music from the nickjr televison show in the backround and a squeal from an over excited toddler brings me back into my own skin. Fills my lungs and the spots dissapate as I blink the darkness away. Slamming the computer shut, I go to the living room and see the destruction that my two year old left in her wake all over the living room. Standing on the cusp of the kitchen and the main room I watch her dance and sing as the television plays those really annoying children's sing-a-long songs that stay in your head all day long no matter what you try to drown it out with on the radio. She has no coordination and certainly no dance skills but her face is lit up and focused as she moves back and forth infront of the TV wiggling undignifyingly and not caring in the least. I decide tonight is not the night to think about her, especially when Rebecca looks so happy doing what shes doing....whatever it is that shes actually doing..

I take her small but strong hands into mine and we wiggle. Thats atleast what Kameron, my brother calls it. Actually he called it once 'unprecedented, undignified wiggling' if I recall correctly as I, as a teenager had once learned what my erratic and ungraceful movements were associated with. I know Jim won't be home from work until well after Rebecca goes down for bed, this gives me enough time to work out to my workout discs in the living room in my underwear where I know takes the least amount of effort, but creates the results I need just as well.

Scooping Rebecca up suddenly I throw her over my shoulder and smile at the startled squeal/giggle that sounds from behind me as she realizes she's trapped. Depositing her on the carpet of the bathroom she shoots her long arms into the air and says "Arms up". I smile as I swoop her dirty shirt off of her and leftover cheerios from her dinner drop and roll onto the floor.  Shes the sharpest shes ever been lately, mimicking everything Jim and I do nowadays. Including the quick but obviously warranted swear word she muttered after dropping her sippy cup this morning. As the lid popped off I hear "Oh shi" escape from between those rosy little lips and I stifle a laugh as her father turns bright red, and ignoring it, of course, helps her clean up her mess without and explanation as to who might have let that one slip.

I lather the washcloth as she sits in the tub and counts her bath toys. My mind wanders to the night Jim and I first had sex. I was drunk and he wasnt trying to take advantage of me, but I was always persistent. As lavender scented water abruptly interrupts my reverie, clearly thinking she's clever, Rebecca erupts into a fit of giggles and slaps the palms of her hands down throwing water up into her own face and onto my jeans. Sighing I wash her hair as she chews on the rubber duckie's bill. Dousing her with water to rinse, I release the drain plug and scoop her up and grab her favorite towel, the monkey one with the tail and the monkeys face on the hood. Wrapping up her little shivering body I set her down on the sink and we commence our nightly routine of brushing her teeth and donning her footie pajamas. I love that Jim works the afternoons as it gives Rebecca and I one on one time that I had been missing due to a 7 month long deployment to Afghanistan. She has grown so much and I mentally note her subtle feature changes as I'm rocking her in the rocking chair, the last leg in our nightly routine before I place her in her crib for the night.


Sitting on the couch I begin to think of the instances where Jim could have been texting her.

Sighing and getting up to turn the TV off, I go to the bedroom and into the bathroom to start the shower. I'll be damned if Im standing infront of Jim naked tonight. He knows exactly how to distract me and I'm 'Oh so powerless' to resist. Showering quickly, I am clothed and towel drying my hair as he comes through the door, a suprised look on his face to see that I've gone and showered without him. This is one of the things we've always done together. He calls it a 'trust building exersize' to be able to stand vulnerable infront of eachother and allowing them to see you with all your imperfections.

Well trust is not something hes got going for him tonight.

 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Start with the Soul

         When we are born, its the first time our souls meet our bodies. As the first breath enters our lungs our soul is tethered to us until the last one is documented. Our soul already knows its purpose. It already has the features that our physical body is going to possess (i.e. Hair color, eye color, body stature, mannerisms, etc. ). So, in a sense, we grow into our souls not our bodies.

             The mind is a maze we use with pathways, bridges, twists and turns. Each one is different and each one is utilized differently. The two halves work in tandem yet they each work different when tasked individually. Being such creatures that use both sides of our brains, one would think that we would use the halves as whole to improve productivity, yet we find ourselves mentally exhausted from using one side more dominantly. Our souls are tasked from the beginning to lead our bodies in the right direction. We're born with instincts that tell us how to survive. We imprint on our parents, we eat when we are hungry, our soul tells our brain that oxygen is essential for us to live. Growing up is awkward. Our bodies stretch, our hormones change, our interests and views change as well as our goals in life as we slowly mature into an adult.  

       In the very moment we are born into this world we have the knowledge of the universe at our fingertips. Yet we don't have the means to communicate that information. Coincidence? It's as if the universe trusts in the purity we inherit as newborns and allows us to know how to survive. It's no longer a matter of Darwin's theories or whether God so loved the world. When you're pure in heart and true in character the universe will respond to you. If you're less than ready to handle the weight the world hands you, it's then you change. Stress and turmoil affect the soul and it's ability to shine bright when you need guidance. This is where we name Karma and blame Murphy's law for the times the universe doesn't like our decision. When we start to place blame in the situation it's where we lose ourself. Taking accountability for the way you respond is the first step in righting your universe. Take action and make the universe take note of who you are.

          When we hold anger and resentment in our bodies, the organs start to shut down. Animals register those breakdowns first. Dogs have such a keen sense of smell and sense of positive energy, they know exactly when it happens. Anger and jealousy and all the other heavily negative emotions breed like cancers and often mutate into such diseases. Tumors of the soul are not as prominent as tumors of the brain. Not to say children born with leukemia or women who come up positive for breast cancer are the reason they harbor such malice, it is those who are angry at life from the beginning. Those who are a cancer to society and themselves contract sicknesses easier, progress faster and die sooner. Forgiving people in your past and living simply and wholesome is the only way to combat soul-related sicknesses.

Sometimes there are those people that are supposed to be in your life. You meet them, get to know them, and they benefit your life in some way that you know that you two were supposed to meet. This person you'll know for the rest of your life. Whether it be just friends on social media or a friend you ask to move down the street from. Your souls match in a way that entangles them at the edges, like the fraying on a blanket, they get tangled beyond hope of being released. They benefit you in a way that brings you solace, they bring you peace and sometimes they teach you a thing or two about life and about yourself.

Waking up in the morning requires a routine. It's hard to just roll right out of bed in an instant and get ready for the day. Sometimes what moves you isn't moving you the way it should.

When you look into the mirror and see yourself, it's often in the same fluorescent light day in and day out. You see your hair is sticking up in weird and awkward ways because you slept with it wet, you see the blemishes on your skin from that chocolate bar you ate two days ago. You're more likely to look in the mirror and see the flaws that you went to bed with. How did you expect to want to wake up when you see all the things that make you say 'I wish I had a metabolism' or 'I shouldn't have eaten that whole Hershey's when I was at movie night with the girls'. If you were to get up in the morning and  say 'Man. Look at this babe right here! She's so beautiful and smart and she has the most compassionate soul of anyone I want to meet.' You would be giving yourself one big mental hug for the morning. Skip reaching for the coffee cup and saying 'I'm a mess, I haven't even had my coffee yet'. Instead, get up, roll over and try doing ten push ups. Or 10 sit-ups, or even go get your shoes On and go for a light jog. Wake your mind up. Get your head in the game and take on the day looking in the mirror saying 'hey girl! Lets do this you sexy bitch!' And then give yourself a hug! You got up this morning, that's more than some can say about themselves.

Loving Me

Waking up knowing its another day I have to work til i drop
When at home all I know is the pain never stops
Away from it all it seems crystal clear
The reality sinking in brings back the fear.
I want to be loved,
I want to be needed,
I want you to want me,
How's that so conceited?
It's the same day in and day out,
It's embracing the pain and the sadness I'd rather do without.
I'm tired of you pointing out my imperfections
Tired of this endless fear of rejection
I am who I am that's all I know
Without me where would you go
You wouldn't have your life
I wouldn't have this strife
You could have kept on believing you were the only one who's perfect
I would have kept pushing on not just pretending on the surface.
I'm out here working day after day
No rest for the weary as I say.
It's not hard to remedy
Talking isnt your enemy
And if I had it left in me
Id show you a thing or two about loving me.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Last Days of Summer


Laying face up on the lawn. Arms behind my head, I gaze at the clouds above. Memorizing the way the ground beneath me is cool, the way the freshly cut grass feels smashed underneath the weight of my body. The way the breeze made the slight beating of the sun bearable enough to leave you sunning in perfect contentedness. Closing my eyes I remember a song and I let it play softly and soothingly in my head. Sighing I open my eyes and play shapes with the clouds, dozens of shapes drift by me. The birds chirp merrily as they go about and do whatever it is that birds like to do. The mixture of the cool breeze and the warm sun makes my lids feel heavy and I let the drift down and close. These are all the signs that the summer is finally over. No more warm summer drives to the beach with the top down, without a care in the world. No more Emerald Isle trips in the dead of night for the hell of it. No longer can I open my bedroom window to listen to the raindrops to fall asleep to. Its now back to the cold weather, falling leaves, Halloween around the corner followed by Thanksgiving with Christmas following closely behind. The wind blows softly and the first leaf of fall detaches itself from its branch and floats softly down to the ground. I watch it sway back and forth, spinning, and spiraling slowly down to rest on the ground. With a sigh, I pick myself up, brush the dirt off of my pants and slowly make my way to the porch. I reach for the doorknob and turn to look over my shoulder one more time, just to memorize the way the sun was playing softly through the trees, the way the wind moved softly through the number of lawns and dragging the scent of the approaching dusk closely behind it. With one more sigh I turn and open the door and go inside. ::door closes:: ::music plays softly::

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Help!!

Ok Bloggers!!

Help me out here! I need to sell my handmade jewelry :) Please visit my Etsy shop at:
http://www.etsy.com/people/meganbeale?ref=si_pr

in other news, Im moving to Mississippi.
:/

Not too excited about it really, but what can I do?? Duty calls. ::sigh:: time passes wayyy too quickly sometimes. Im really going to miss home, but Im looking foward to deploying (weird huh?) minus the whole leaving my family for 8 months lol

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Super Mommy


Ok, so all new moms have found out that it is extremely hard to leave your little one at home with a babysitter. But, per the Navy standards, I have to be back in shape before I leave NC in Nov. So I've been, well literally, working my ass off. Haha I've lost 70lbs since I left the hospital. 60 of those lbs quickly dropped off in the first 8 weeks, then the last ten wanted to hold on for dear life. Naturally, it was only til I started working out three weeks ago that Ive started to feel more energetic and almost back to my normal self again. The only thing missing?? The husband, and of course, about three inches off my butt. Im back to a 10 min mile thank goodness and Ive been working super hard on being able to do as many pushups and situps that I could back in A-School. The next step is gaining more control on my impulse eating and pushing myself to do that extra half mile on the treadmil, and pushing out that extra set of ten situps/pushups.


Meanwhile, monkey (thats my nickname for her lol) keeps growing so much! Shes almost, if not already, 14lbs! She is also sleeping through the night thank goodness, and Ive been able to get her to take two 2hr naps a day. Shes smiling, laughing, and really picking up her head now. Shes such a happy baby, she really reflects her parent's calm demeanor and astute personality. She's really picking up on how to keep her mommy's attention fast!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thank you St. Valentine

Well, about a year ago, Valentines day weekend was the weekend I became pregnant with Jessyca. Wow. A whole year? Seems like yesterday really. Every day she amazes me more and more. She's learning how to laugh, smile, talk gibberish and she is teaching me how much I need her as much as she needs me. Every time I play with her I can feel my blood pressure going down, even when I hadn't realized I was tense and holding my breath. All it takes is for her to recognize my face and she smiles. Making my day bearable, no matter how hard it is with Rob not being here.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Greatest Gift in Life is Love

Man! Today has already been a doozy. No problem though, as soon as I get home I'm holding my kid and giving her tons of kisses on those adorable little cheeks :) I was up early/late last night but how can you really care when you have this little bundle of love that just smiles when she sees your face? Man I love my little girl!
       
        Last night, I hear her stir and I think, damn. I peek over at her and she’s, of course, wide awake! Looking at me she smiles and coos saying "Morning mommy, I’m so glad to see you!", and I smile. Man she already has me wrapped around her finger. There’s really nothing better than that, except when I pick her up I bury my face in her shoulder and inhale that wonderful baby smell. ::sigh:: It’s really better than any cup of morning coffee or the warmest blanket on a cold night. She comforts me, as much as I comfort her. She saves my sanity just by her scent alone. I’m pretty sure that God did this on purpose, knowing that to ensure the safety of newborns; they must be appealing to the parents. Smell, one of the most used senses, is the strongest out of the six senses; at least for me it is.
       She has this way about her that’s totally relaxing. I pick her up and she stops fussing and gives me one of her special hugs. Putting her head down on my shoulder, and wrapping one arm over mine and the other gripping the collar of my shirt. She puts her trust in me completely and that’s the most comforting feeling in the world. If I can’t get anything right, I can make her happy at least.

                                             
        
        God, I miss my husband. I wish he could be here experiencing this with me. I know he feels the same way, I mean, how would any man feel if he couldn’t be there for his family? His duties as a Marine must be fulfilled before anything else unfortunately. I’m so proud of him, even if he doesn’t understand it. He’s my biggest accomplishment in life, and has given me the most precious gift in the world. I know that our marriage is special because I’ve felt the same way about him since the day we met. When we met, it almost hurt to look into his eyes because I felt so swamped by this weird feeling in my stomach. Butterflies were fluttering like crazy and it almost hurt, that’s how I knew I could possibly love him in the future. I was terrified of him, and the power he never knew he had over me. To this day, I am more forgiving of him than I have ever been of any man. It’s mainly because I trust him; trust is a very powerful thing. I trust him to be right even when I feel like I’m losing control (which is a big thing for me). I have to have control over my life or I feel like I’m failing myself... He lets me relax and let someone else take control. It’s still hard to relinquish that controlling side I have, but that’s what partners are for. To help carry the burden for you so you can rest. I am so thankful I have such a wonderful husband.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Happy Baby = Happy Mommy

     Little baby fingers, little baby toes, little baby belly button and adorable button nose. Yea, it’s cheesy, but all those things make up only a fraction of the reasons why I love my little girl. Nothing prepares you for the moment you see that purple little alien screaming its way out of between your knees, but for some reason, probably from the relief that you can sneeze without peeing on yourself or maybe it’s because you can finally picture your body back to some semblance of normalcy, well for whatever the reason it’s the most beautiful moment in your life.
           I personally was in shock after the first wave of amazement dissipated and made way for the "I'm too worried to fall asleep because she might stop breathing" stage. I don’t think I slept for the first two weeks because I couldn’t stop staring at this little bundle that seemed to be all fingers and toes. I was afraid that if I slept people would think I wasn’t attentive enough. I already was trying to figure out how the heck I was going to manage everything else in my life, from my husband being deployed and I having to get back to my pre-baby weight in six months because of the Navy weight standards and the lack of sleep was pointless really. It just made me stressed out till one night I had to put her down and go into the living room and just cry! I thought man! This is HARD! What the F*#% was I THINKING!? After I was done cussing at the stars and I calmed back down, I took a deep breath and as always, picked myself back up and rushed back into the ring. Putting on a brave face and faking a happy voice, I lifted her up and asked her what was wrong. Silly huh? Much to my surprise I put her on my shoulder and she started gumming my collarbone. DUH! She was still hungry! Wow. That was easy!
          After the 2nd month I felt like a pro! That’s the great thing about babies, they let you know. All you have to do is learn how to tell what they’re saying. It sounds tougher than it actually is really; it’s you that makes it difficult. The one piece of advice that I clung to like a lifeline was from someone that I have always trusted, just as much as my own mother. She said to "Trust her, to trust you enough to figure what she's trying to tell you." Duh. Putting it that way seemed so much easier to think about. Everyone thinks they’re an expert, but the truth is, everyone is an expert on knowing what’s going on with THEIR baby. Not yours. So she was right! So, I started to relax and just trust my daughter to trust me to look for signs that she was blatantly giving me.
          Now, Jessyca is starting to smile. There’s nothing that reassures you that you’re "doing it right" more than that smile they give you in the middle of the night, when you’re bleary eyed and groggy and all you want to do is roll over and fall back to sleep. But, like a diligent mother goose, you get up and make sure your little baby bird is alright. No matter how irritable you are, or how much of a non-morning person you think you are, there’s no way to be grumpy with that little person when they see you and they light up from head to toe. They smile and give a little coo like "I knew you’d come, I missed you." I’ll tell you what, my heart melts and I pick her up and kiss her little pudgy cheeks and say "Good morning beautiful, of course I'm here, I’ll never abandon you." A smile is the one line of defense that God gives babies so that they can survive. What a smart God. Hahahaha